Childfreedom, Chosen Family, and 2024
Your obligatory year-end recap.
In case you hadn’t already had your fill of the typical year in review emails and IG posts from friends, writers, celebrities, politicians, podcast hosts, pseudo-wellness coaches, and soulless corporations, here’s one more!
2023 had big childfree energy for me. I spoke on a panel at the virtual Childfree Convention, moderated by the lovely LeNora Faye. I launched NYB, interviewed and featured fascinating CF womxn who get shit done, and was even quoted in a Cosmo article about sterilization. And in January, I underwent a voluntary sterilization procedure (bilateral salpingectomy), taking my fate and my reproductive decisions into my own (the surgeon’s?) hands.
This was quite a way to kick off 2023: I affirmed that I’m no one’s breeder. I’m the one who makes decisions about my body. I determine my life trajectory. And no one, whether a straight man, a doctor, or well-meaning strangers, can gaslight or “bingo” me into worrying about the loneliness I’m sure to encounter in old age sans children. Or worse, fret over the debacle of having a theoretical, nonexistent husband who want may want kids one day. God fucking forbid.
After my bisalp, one of my friends, P., picked me up from the hospital and drove me to my apartment. I laid in the recovery bed, and when the nurse opened the curtain, he was there smiling at me. “How do you feel?”
Sore, groggy, and unable to piss because I was so dehydrated, I was relieved to see him. My tiny incisions were glued shut. My anesthesia was wearing off. And I saw my friend — not a family member — taking time out of his day to ensure I got home safely.
A few weeks later, I hosted a Tubes Out party with my closest friends to celebrate my decision. My guests? Womxn, gay men, and queer folks. The friends who enthusiastically supported me before, during, and after this surgery. The people who understand, deeply, that reclaiming one’s bodily autonomy is a radical act. Chosen family who know the strongest bonds are not always biological.
Chosen family isn’t a new phenomenon. The concept refers to kinship, nurturing, love, and support outside of the traditional family unit. LGBTQ+ folks have long been acquainted with the practice, turning to chosen family for care, protection, and acceptance when their own nuclear families have disowned them, threatened them, or otherwise rejected them for identifying as queer.
For queer people in a homophobic and transphobic world, chosen family is literally lifesaving. In recent years, the term has caught on in other contexts, such as in cases where people are estranged from their families for any reason, and instead, form a kinship with a group of friends. Since becoming more rooted in the CF community, I see this theme arise with childfree folks, too.
I think childfree people understand the necessity and joy of chosen family so well because there are many spaces where we feel unheard, unrelatable, and disregarded. Indeed, some of us are estranged from our families, or have difficulty being accepted by them, because of our childfree decision.
For womxn, feelings of isolation or invalidation can be especially strong. Most of us are told from the time that we are little that one day we will build our own family by giving birth, thereby obtaining a kind of transcendental love that that is impossible to find anywhere else.
And if we don’t choose that route, we’ve failed. We’ll be sad and lonely. We’ll experience a dearth of unconditional love. We haven’t fulfilled our purpose. The only problem is, we know none of that is true.
But when you opt out of the life path that the majority subscribe to, it tends make other people uncomfortable. And it can make us feel lonely, no matter how strong we are in our childfree convictions.
But the bottom line is that we can — and do — find love and support systems within our friend groups. No one tells you this when you’re young, but you really can build any type of family you want, and you don’t have to be biologically related to help each other thrive.
In 2024, NYB will continue to spotlight incredible CF womxn (if I’ve spoken with you and you haven’t seen your interview published, don’t worry, it’s coming!), provide commentary on CF trends, and reaffirm that everyone should have the right to refuse parenthood, if they wish.
Cheers from NYB!